Now that I just read your blog, I feel that the issues that I have at hand are nothing compared to what you are dealing with now. Never have I been so insecure about the personal relationships that I make with people because the people that I have let in haven't hurt me (including you).

Not on any level.

Sure I've been insecure about myself and the image that I presented to people, but that was a long time ago. I was always trying to find who I was. To fit in with the people that I thought were "cool" even copying their mannerisms in order make an attempt at being accepted in one way or another. From one thing to another. I tried and tried and tried to become someone who I wasn't. An identity crisis, a struggle to discover myself. The real Chris.
I finally found out who I am. I'm a guy who has a strong affinity to those who care for him. I'm very patient and loyal even to those that I know only on a casual level, as some would put it. I put others before myself. Sure that leaves me open to be exploited, but I think I know better about the people I can and cannot trust.

You know now that I'm on that subject, maybe I am a lot like a dog. Character wise.
Speaking of which, I miss my dog. That black lab named Chaco. That dog deserves a blog in her own right. I love that dog to death and I probably took her for granted at times, but now that's she's gone I can see clearer now that she was very loyal to me and my family.

But aside from that, you know the kind of person that I am.
I'm very predictable because I'm a good guy. You said so yourself.
And the times where you're at the lowest of lows, I'm just a phone call away. Heck, I might even be next to you. I care about you a lot. Where others may have left, I stood my ground. I took a stand for the things that I want to be and do.

And in that moment, when you sing your song. I'll be there to listen and I'll return a tune. Similar but different in every way. And don't be afraid if you need to cry. There's always a shoulder for you to cry on.

Lastly, please don't doubt me.
Cause I sure as hell don't doubt you.
...
..

My List

What I look for in a relationship..
Not in any particular order.

Patience - At this point in my relationship.. I'm still learning.
Good Morals - I'm not going out with a whore.
Compassion/Understanding - Relates with the first one.
Trust - Hopefully I have the best in mind.
Communication - I'd like to hear what's on her mind. And I'd tell her my thoughts too of course.

Things I look for in a woman.

Physically...
Same height as me or a little shorter.
Asian. Nuf sed.
No drinking/smoking
The one thing that I wouldn't compromise on is nice facial features. My opinion.. not hers.
Most notably her face and her smile. I love a great smile. It brightens my day. :)


Character wise...
Strong willed - Not afraid to speak her mind.
Modest - Not a scene girl. Screw that.
Forgiving - Hey we're all messed up in some way.
Independent - Don't become too dependent. That never ends well.

That's pretty much it. I'm a simple guy.

Responding

Hmm, you're right about everything you said.
Me being quiet was because I didn't know how to react to this situation.
I guess I can't be quiet and observe. I have to be pro-active.

You say that half the things in life are learned through experience.
The another portion (in my opinion) can be learned through the experiences of others.
This is not one of those times in life.
This is all probably another learning experience.
Honestly, there are a select few that I know on a deeper level than just casual. I've haven't gotten into a relationship with any of them save 1. And I didn't know her completely.. which is probably the downfall of that relationship.

The reason that I ask many questions, is I'm afraid of making assumptions because more often than not I am wrong.

About the "social ladder" thing.. I fell more than I imagined. Not just a few rungs down from boyfriend.
I just assumed and I got that one completely wrong.

I guess I am a headache, but about my presence bothering you, has it been this way since day 1?

Everything is a learning experience.
And not everyone has the patience for me either.
I'm thinking that you've run out of patience for me.
Which is perfectly fine. I can see that.

In reality, hindsight is 20/20
I look at the things that I did and wonder to myself.. why did I do that?
Why do I seem to learn better through hindsight..
One thing that I know is I'll always try to be optimistic.
Lastly, thanks for telling me these things.

"The sky isnt always blue, the sun doesnt always shine, its okay to fall apart sometimes."
- Ricky

Damn Ricky, you're exactly right. Despite being a stoner and everything, the things you saw for just staring at the sky blew my mind. That makes me think a lot about what has happened to the people around me over the last week or so. For myself, I fell apart for a good day after the breakup. I recently finished recovering from that one. Now I find myself at the point where I should have been 3 weeks ago. I'll admit I didn't know you completely and I was caught up in the moment. Now I learned my lesson.

Thanksgiving weekend may have not been the greatest for me, but at least I had those to tell me it's ok.

You know, if you don't want to be my friend, that's fine. With the stuff that has happened over the last few weeks.. I can see why you'd be angry at me. What I did was unacceptable. I hurt a lot of people by what I did. I'm not perfect. Nobody is and we all have our flaws. There are those who can deal with them and accept me and there are those who choose not to. In the end, I can choose my friends, but they have to choose me too.

Lastly, Kristi in whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck.

My Thoughts

Since you have nothing to say to me.. I'm going to give this some good thought. Maybe because my other one's haven't had much thought in them at all.

1. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. My only intention was only to try attain an understanding.

2. My objective now is trying to find a way to resolve the drama for Nancy's sake.

3. Is this what you want? You're negatively affecting your best friend with your anger.

3. I know you care about your best friend a lot. I do too.

4. I know I messed up. Big time.

5. I know it's my fault and my stupidity for reading that private blog. I don't know what I was thinking.

6. I actually did take the time to read that whole blog about the past.

7. I don't want work to be awkward.

8. I wish that things were the way they used to be before all of this.

9. I don't see #8 happening now.

10. I'm becoming skeptical. I'm finding it hard to express my feelings freely anymore.

11. I guess I've been sheltered for a majority of my life. The real world is ugly.

12. I'm going to stick around.

13. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

14. If there is a way to work it out.. then I'm willing to put in the effort if you do.

I'm depressed and exhausted, but most of all I'm sorry.

Ugh

I feel like shit right now.

Right now, I even regret making this blog.

I thought it could be an outlet where I could vent my emotions and my thoughts without fear of being criticized. Maybe I shouldn't have read those things. Maybe I'm too nosy.

By the way, I get VERY down on myself when I mess up.

I'm probably going to be down on myself for the next few days.

Again, I feel like shit right now.

And honestly, I'm sorry if that means anything to you.

Seems like I'm always screwing up.

If I get another chance then thank you.

Constructive Criticism

Recently, it has come to my attention that I've been scrutinized on just about everything. My work habits, my attitude, my relationships. Everything. People have their own opinions about me and I know they're entitled to that. However, I do have a problem with people not telling me about my flaws or things to improve on.

Maybe it's because most people don't know me too well. They don't know how I'd react. I'm the type of person that will take criticism and use it to my improve myself. I'd rather not hear the negatives about me through the grapevine because it makes me wonder why someone wouldn't say it to my face. If people really did care about their peers and co-workers, wouldn't they point out things to fix and improve on?

Maybe I have too high expectations because many people are too shy and afraid of the repercussions. However, let it be known to those that are reading this that I'm not afraid of what you have to say. In fact, I'd appreciate it if you'd mention it to me. Be brutally honest. Lay it out on me. I'll hold that person in higher regard cause they actually cared to point out my flaws in an attempt to help me fix them.

Lastly, if there's something that irks me don't hold it against me if I tell you. My only intention is to show that I care enough to help you improve as a person. Hopefully that isn't too much to ask. That's all I've got to say about that subject.

1st Blog Post Ever.

This is my first blog post ever on a fresh new blog. Don't how how many people may read it.. but who gives a crap? Here's a nice poem to sum it all up by everyone's favorite Dr. Seuss.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!