Haha

Well I haven't been on here in a while. I wonder if anyone ever reads this crap anyone.

If you do, I'm onto your shit so I don't give a fuck anymore if you haven't already noticed.

Life is good.

And I Want You to Know..

And I want you to know that dreams do come true
I'm so glad I could prove that to you

Your appearance in my life was out of the blue
It'll always be apparent how much I miss you

The thoughts in my head
The expression on my face
They aren't the same

The audible sigh
The tear in my eye
No words can explain

That I still care
Those thoughts don't leave my mind
How could I, just leave you behind

But I think it's better off this way
For you and for me
If we're meant to be
In due time we'll see

I hate to say
Its so cliche

In the mean time
There is more than "the one"
I hope you find him
He's out there

He's
Compassionate.
Caring.
Determined.
Patient.
Kind.
Understanding.
Loving.
The list goes on
But you know what I mean

And remember when I said sometimes..
I'd rather watch than do?
I stand silently and observe
To watch from afar

I hope you don't notice me
Cause I'll shy away
But the more I watch
The more I see, how much you love me

And I'll watch you
Through the highest of highs
And catch you in the lowest of lows

If you'll let me that is
And if you don't
I understand

Don't be afraid
When I look upon you
Even if you don't see a smile
Know that it's within my soul

And when you're high in the sky
And I know you will
I'll be down below
Looking to and fro

With a slight tear in my eye
And an aching heart
I'll remember
The time we've shared
And a small smile forms
The one you used to love to see
And at that instant
I hope you're thinking of me

I don't know if this song means anything to you
But it was the first thing that came to my mind
Out of the blue

Me?

You are a wolf - one of the strongest and respected animals there are throughout history. The wolf is a determined, tough, and versatile creature found in almost any environment: from mountains to deserts to prairies. Although the wolf personality can represent the strength and ability that comes from a lone wolf, this is actually quite rare. Most of the time wolves, like in nature, thrive and survive in packs, coordinating in an organized manner within their society. Wolves also tend to often have many close and loyal friends around them to back them up in times of need just as they stand behind those they care about. In relationships, most wolves also remain faithful to their partner and maintain a strong friendship no matter what happens - they generally keep in contact with their past lovers and never forget the bond they have as companions. The wolf inspires strength, loyalty, and faith in others even in the darkest times. They are strong, deep-thinking, loyal personalities and can always be counted on in the end. If you look into a person with a wolf-like spirit, you realize that they have deep and powerful eyes that are hard to discern what they are thinking about or feeling. Wolves often may not show emotion as much as others, but inside lingers much thought and feeling. Howling at the full moon as the gentle breeze flows across the mountain side, the wolf reminds everyone to stand strong even in the darkest of nights.

Dog

I once had a dog and the first day I got her I was so excited. Turns out from the first day I saw her I knew that it was the perfect dog for me. A little bit on the older side she was, but I didn't care. My dad had gotten her from a family friend because the dog was living in an apartment in a cage in the kitchen. So to help her out we decided to take in the dog so she could take some time to find a better home for her.

Her name is Chaco.

She's a black labrador and she was 9-10 years old already. In dog years of course. She was very old and somewhat frail, but looking in her eyes you could see the energy and vitality that she had. You should have seen her light up when her mommy came over to visit. Like when a father comes home from work to his wife and his 2 kids. They come running to him hugging his leg in that cinematic fashion. That's what I saw in that dog. I knew that this dog was something that I'd come to love and cherish.

That dog was so funny and loving. She'd patiently sit all day on the porch and wait for someone to get home. And when that someone got home, her eyes would open slowly and her ears would perk up a bit. She'd get up and slink over to the fence or the garage door to greet whomever that special person was. It never mattered who that person was. She was just glad to see someone come home and she wanted to say hello. And I loved coming home to see my dog. I can never forget the look on her little doggy face.

I rarely took pictures of my dog. Only a few here and there. The one you saw in the picture frame but there's another. I remember that day well. It was just me and my mom. A time when things were a lot simpler. Back when Chaco could actually go on long walks, we often took her on the weekends walking near the beach. And as she lay down in the grass, I had a digital camera for some reason. So while I was snapping a few shots, I took a few of my dog as well. Turns out, it was one of the best pictures I had ever taken. My dog staring off into the distance. Lying in the cool sand. Not a care in the world..

And I felt the same.
That was a time when I felt that nothing could go wrong. Just staring at the ocean and my dog and my mom next to me. Back when things were simpler and less complicated. This went on for a good while and at some point I just started giving Chaco less and less attention. Maybe it was because she was getting older or maybe because school was starting to get harder. But I should have just made some time to scratch her behind the ears. The spot near her tail that she loved to get scratched. Give her a good pat on the head. Just to reassure her that all is well.

Eventually, it came to the point where something had to be done. She looked miserable. Whenever she tried to get up, her legs would shake in pain. She couldn't hold her own waste in. We always cleaned up after her, but fact of the matter was she was getting old and she was a wreck. And it came to the point where we had to put her down. A quick and painless procedure. I wonder how that feels. Maybe it's like falling asleep. Just never waking up and never dreaming.

When she was finally put down, I remember that day like it was yesterday. I just had gotten home from school and I looked toward the same exact spot where Chaco would sit. And patiently wait for someone to come home. I remember I was in a rush, I had a project to do or a lot of homework or college apps or something but I didn't take much notice. I quickly went inside the house and thought nothing of it. That yesterday was the last day I'd see my dog ever again. It only dawned on me later. I think I remember telling you this. The time that I actually wanted to look at my dog and pat her on the head she wasn't there. It hit me like a freight train. The dog that I had for the past two years was no longer with me. I looked at her bed, her bowls, and anything that we had ever used with her. All those good times were encapsulated into those items.

But eventually, they disappeared one by one.
Except for one thing. The pictures. When I look on those few pictures, I remember everything about that dog. It takes me back a few years, to a simpler time. A picture is worth a thousand words. To me, those pictures sum up the entire time that I had my dog. And I wish she was a few years younger. I'd go right outside and pat her on the head, but that's not the case. And now when I look back on the time that I spent with my dog. I wish that I spent just a little more time with her towards the end.

Why am I thinking about my dog now? I really don't know, but I often I think about things that parallel my certain situation. And I can see how this relates to what happened over the past couple of weeks. But right now, I miss my dog. And I know for a fact that I miss you. I was pulling away because again I needed some time to myself to think things out and hopefully you'd realize that you'd miss me when I'm gone.

But then again I think my methods are a little too extreme. I know you miss my friendship. I know that you miss me. I know that you cried because of me too. I don't want to become another one of him. And I don't want to haunt you in your dreams anymore. Then again though, I don't deserve another chance at accomplishing those things to right the wrongs. You gave me one and I threw it back in your face to be honest. That's how I see it anyway.

Man I just realized that I sound like a broken record. I said this the last time around last week and you believed me. And I just let you down and hurt you. So I'm not going to make that mistake again. Cause honestly.. I don't know anymore. I'm just tired of hurting someone that I still love.

"In my head there's only you now."
Remember those picture you told me to delete?
I never did delete them cause I know.
You still nag at the strings of my heart.
Like a cat playing with a ball of yarn.
Like my dog playing with a yellow Penn tennis ball.
What'd I give to do it all.. again.
If time could roll back just a bit.
But then everyone would do it.
Lets make the best of what we have now.
I'm sorry I did this to you.
And kung hee fat choy.
Happy Chinese New Year.
Cause you know how much I hate Valentine's Day.
But yet again, I think how I spent another year without one.

I miss my dog. I miss the simpler times. I miss you.
See you Wednesday.

Darkest Blue

My two favorite colors intertwined into one.
The song that I listen to now.

"Everywhere that I go.. misery will follow. It won't let me go."

The worst day of my life.. is nothing compared to yours.
But nonetheless, it is the worst day of my life.
The two of you remember that day very well.
And as I sat there pondering if you were really going to go through with it. I dread the idea of moving on without you.
My first love, but more importantly as a friend.
Someone I trust.
And when I saw the two of you both there side by side I was horrified.
Playing games with my mind and my heart.
Did you really expect to get what you wanted from the start?
An honest answer?
My answers were out of desperation.
I didn't know what to do..
I didn't want you to leave like that.
I got down on myself. I knew that I started all of this.
It's not what you did that made it the worst day of my life.
It's the realization of what I did.

Today, I looked at the sky while walking home and it reminded me of you. That first time when you said that I had made your day with a single text message. "You're like the sun. Always brightening my day." Every time I pass some place of note involving you and me, I can't help but reminisce. I realize that you inhabit my thoughts and my heart. In the time that I have alone, whenever I close my eyes I imagine you. And honestly, I don't think I'll ever forget about you. The bond that we share is too strong to let go. Even though it seems we are so close but so far at the same time. I'll always remember you fondly.

I don't know what you think about me. I don't know if you care or not anymore. Not that I blame you. I know that I didn't want us to end like this. Not like this.. not like this. Again, it pains me to wonder how I'm going to move on with my life. Without you. Again, you inhabit my thoughts and my dreams. And you're right there in the flesh as well. I noticed that we were glancing at each other today throughout class. I don't know what that means, but I noticed. Even without looking at your eyes, I can tell that you wished this never happened.

Well maybe I can meet you halfway.. just one last shot.
You read all our blogs. I wonder if you check mines as much as I check yours. Sunday, I'm going to go see Dear John.. alone.
I think the 7:40 show at Kahala.
If you wish to join me, then by all means you're welcome.
I'm not sure if you're going to show up or not.. but I'll be waiting.

"I still hear them calling.. I still hear them calling.."

A Graceful Bow

War is not the answer. It never has and never will. I am not a fighter. Never have and never will. I will move on to fight another day.

I don't need this stuff on my mind. And if you really want to tell Justinn everything then fine go ahead. Justinn is a prick. I have no qualms about keeping it back anymore. You don't need him. But if you want to keep him, I will leave now and avoid the drama for myself and for you. I don't need it. I don't want it either.

So Nancy this is where it stands at. I'm going to become invisible. You're still going to see me around but the decision is up to you whether or not you talk to me. I'll still help you in class but that's the extent of our interaction at this point.

And lastly, if I am someone that is so dear to you, think about the words that you said to me last night. Cutting me down instead of bringing me up. You didn't even need to try and build me up with your words. But your words struck me deep. Saying I don't have a chance. That I have no willpower. That I am hesitant on my decision making. Is that what you would say to someone you value and love?

Think about that.

Honestly Nancy, I still care about you. This is the decision that I feel is best for the both of us to sort things out right now. You may hate me. You may get angry at for what I'm doing. But don't forget about the times and how close we have gotten over the last few months.

You said so yourself that you wouldn't make the call.
But the offer is still out there.
Nancy, if you really need someone, I'm just a phone call away.

Year Two

Sophomore Year.. Addiction

Sure I was getting help with my problems from those around me concerning my identity crisis and that whole thing. Sure those people were doing everything humanly possible to help me out. Find out who I was. Do things that were outside of my comfort zone. At the time, I think my comfort zone was my own home. I pretty much never went out at all because many of the people that I was friends with (and still are today) lived on the West Side of the Island. I was too lazy and never had a ride to or from any of those places.

I think this was about the time when I first got my Xbox. That thing would influence and grab a hold of my life for many years to come and I still think that it has some influence over me even now. In fact, I think I remember that all I did during the summer break was eat, sleep, and game.

Year One

Freshman Year..a lot of which is very fuzzy

But there I was graduating from middle school. I had a lot on my mind at the time. Mostly girls, like any typical teenager. But there were more important things at the time, like the people that started the long journey of making me into the person that I am today. Matt, Ming, Amal, Donovan, Tyler, Ashley and Seth are just a few of the long list of names.

These people were the leaders from my youth group.
They helped me through all the times where I wasn't sure of who I was.

At the time, this is all I could remember who I was at the start of Freshman Year. For one thing, I realize now that I was socially awkward, nerdy (video gaming), and no idea how I was going to turn out. I thank those people for putting up with my nerdyness. All I really talked about was video games, I had no other passion or pursuit on my mind other than God. My identity crisis began here.

At one point and time, I thought to myself, I wondered what I was going to do with the rest of my life. After high school, what was I going to do? Play games all day? I could never answer that question. I really didn't know what I was going to do.

I remember one day Matt, my youth pastor, was asking me, "Chris, what do you do besides play video games?"

I don't ever recall giving him a straight answer. But my reaction was enough for him to know that he had a long road ahead of him. A work in progress. What was his first course of action? Making sure that I talked less about video games and began to broaden my social horizons. That first step in the right direction. Heck, I was still addicted to video games, but I was going somewhere. And I was better off than where I started.

This isn't even the whole story.
There is just too much to be said and I can't even remember most of it. Though the people that I mentioned probably won't ever find this, if they ever find this..

Thanks for all the respect that you gave me and the patience. Especially the patience. I don't even know how you guys put up with me throughout that year and the worst was yet to come. I learned a lot through that year, but I was far from the person I am today.
To be continued..

Happy New Year

Hmm, its the new year
What a wonderful thing it is
Fireworks and explosions
Not for me however

I look ahead at
Places to go
Things to see
What better things could happen to me?

Resolutions to be made
And hopefully keep
What about those who we're about to meet?

I'm optimistic about the new year
And I have no fear but
Right now I wish this moment wouldn't end
But what a way to start two thousand and ten (2010)

Happy New Year everyone