A Graceful Bow

War is not the answer. It never has and never will. I am not a fighter. Never have and never will. I will move on to fight another day.

I don't need this stuff on my mind. And if you really want to tell Justinn everything then fine go ahead. Justinn is a prick. I have no qualms about keeping it back anymore. You don't need him. But if you want to keep him, I will leave now and avoid the drama for myself and for you. I don't need it. I don't want it either.

So Nancy this is where it stands at. I'm going to become invisible. You're still going to see me around but the decision is up to you whether or not you talk to me. I'll still help you in class but that's the extent of our interaction at this point.

And lastly, if I am someone that is so dear to you, think about the words that you said to me last night. Cutting me down instead of bringing me up. You didn't even need to try and build me up with your words. But your words struck me deep. Saying I don't have a chance. That I have no willpower. That I am hesitant on my decision making. Is that what you would say to someone you value and love?

Think about that.

Honestly Nancy, I still care about you. This is the decision that I feel is best for the both of us to sort things out right now. You may hate me. You may get angry at for what I'm doing. But don't forget about the times and how close we have gotten over the last few months.

You said so yourself that you wouldn't make the call.
But the offer is still out there.
Nancy, if you really need someone, I'm just a phone call away.

Year Two

Sophomore Year.. Addiction

Sure I was getting help with my problems from those around me concerning my identity crisis and that whole thing. Sure those people were doing everything humanly possible to help me out. Find out who I was. Do things that were outside of my comfort zone. At the time, I think my comfort zone was my own home. I pretty much never went out at all because many of the people that I was friends with (and still are today) lived on the West Side of the Island. I was too lazy and never had a ride to or from any of those places.

I think this was about the time when I first got my Xbox. That thing would influence and grab a hold of my life for many years to come and I still think that it has some influence over me even now. In fact, I think I remember that all I did during the summer break was eat, sleep, and game.

Year One

Freshman Year..a lot of which is very fuzzy

But there I was graduating from middle school. I had a lot on my mind at the time. Mostly girls, like any typical teenager. But there were more important things at the time, like the people that started the long journey of making me into the person that I am today. Matt, Ming, Amal, Donovan, Tyler, Ashley and Seth are just a few of the long list of names.

These people were the leaders from my youth group.
They helped me through all the times where I wasn't sure of who I was.

At the time, this is all I could remember who I was at the start of Freshman Year. For one thing, I realize now that I was socially awkward, nerdy (video gaming), and no idea how I was going to turn out. I thank those people for putting up with my nerdyness. All I really talked about was video games, I had no other passion or pursuit on my mind other than God. My identity crisis began here.

At one point and time, I thought to myself, I wondered what I was going to do with the rest of my life. After high school, what was I going to do? Play games all day? I could never answer that question. I really didn't know what I was going to do.

I remember one day Matt, my youth pastor, was asking me, "Chris, what do you do besides play video games?"

I don't ever recall giving him a straight answer. But my reaction was enough for him to know that he had a long road ahead of him. A work in progress. What was his first course of action? Making sure that I talked less about video games and began to broaden my social horizons. That first step in the right direction. Heck, I was still addicted to video games, but I was going somewhere. And I was better off than where I started.

This isn't even the whole story.
There is just too much to be said and I can't even remember most of it. Though the people that I mentioned probably won't ever find this, if they ever find this..

Thanks for all the respect that you gave me and the patience. Especially the patience. I don't even know how you guys put up with me throughout that year and the worst was yet to come. I learned a lot through that year, but I was far from the person I am today.
To be continued..

Happy New Year

Hmm, its the new year
What a wonderful thing it is
Fireworks and explosions
Not for me however

I look ahead at
Places to go
Things to see
What better things could happen to me?

Resolutions to be made
And hopefully keep
What about those who we're about to meet?

I'm optimistic about the new year
And I have no fear but
Right now I wish this moment wouldn't end
But what a way to start two thousand and ten (2010)

Happy New Year everyone